When having a baby...

I was thinking the other night about when I was pregnant and my mom and others would say "as long as it's healthy..." .
Well I did give birth to a healthy baby girl. I didn't do any of the tests they offer to see if the baby has Downs syndrome or what ever else they look for. I just felt like, why? I mean they do those so late in the pregnancy what would I have done but worry for the duration? So I had nothing tested.
She was jaundice, but never so bad she had to stay under the lights.
She did have cradle cap like crazy for a long time. Still has sickening dry looking skin behind her ears she won't let me scrub at or put baby oil on to get off.
She never went to the doctor for anything other than her required check ups for the first part of her life.
But she's no longer healthy. I'd say for quite a while she wasn't even happy.
On Depakote she was foggy and her seizures were worse. No fun.
On Topamax she was foggy, numb, emotionless, and worse. No fun.
Now she's on the Ketogenic diet. Still having seizures. Still waiting for her 2 year molars to finish coming in, over a year late! On NO medication. She is happy though!
So what do I do now? I no longer have the healthy baby I started with.
What happen to all those institutions they used to have for kids like her?
How did those things ever fill up with kids!?!!!
I mean how on EARTH do you take your kid to something like that? I know it was a different time, and that's what people did back then but I can't even drop her off at a special needs preschool from 8a.m. - 3 p.m. everyday. How could anyone drop their kid off and not go pick them up. Only visit. I can't imagine those mothers loved their children any less than I love mine. The only explanation I can think of is they truly believed that the kids wouldn't know any better. Wouldn't understand they were abandoned.
I guess I'll keep her! Hope for better days. Hope she either starts talking some day or communicating in another way.
Worse comes to worse she'll live out her days with us, that's not so bad. A friend who is my parents age said when she was my age she would have thought that would be terrible. But now she said if something happened and her 22 year old daughter had to move home forever, she'd be glad to take her.
I guess the hardest part of all this is "what will happen?". We don't know where her cognitive development will be in the future. If something will happen, her brain will kick into gear and start understanding and learning. She can learn new things. She is just so stubborn! If it's not her idea, good luck getting her to do it!
Then there is the "will she grow out of this" question that people ask. Heck, I don't know! I don't think the doctors know until the kids actually out grow it.
People assume she's normal because she looks so normal. But she's not normal. Her cognitive development is delayed and who knows where that will go. I can't say she's retarded. I mean if you mean retarded as in she is behind, yes she's retarded. If you mean she's behind and she will never catch up, I just don't know. The neurologist said she'll probably just always be late hitting her milestones. So that means she will meet them. It'll just take her longer.
I know we're lucky. All of this is happening for a reason.
I don't think I'll ever say "as long as it's healthy" to a new mom. Because I just don't feel that way. I mean I think, that's kind of asking something of the baby. I think "as long as you take care of it and love it" meaning no matter what. You want to be a parent? Fine, take what you get. You can't custom order your kid. They are custom made for you.
I know a woman who was furious when her daughter's hair started coming in auburn. Really on the red side of auburn. Do you know how bad I'd like to slap her now??? I mean seriously! The child is a teenager now and a beautiful intelligent girl and her mom was absurdly ticked off that she got a kid with auburn hair. I wish I had the nerve to post this woman's name and phone number! She is one of the worst mom's I have ever encountered and I guess that's why God knew not to give her a child that needed anything extra.
It's an honor and privilege to be a mother to both my kids. God knew exactly what I needed in both of them. I don't think I could have handled Naomi's health issues as easily if she was close in age to Isaiah. So if Isaiah hadn't of been a 10 lb. 7 oz behemoth of a baby with an enormous head I may have had my kids closer together.
I got what I deserved. Apparently I deserved perfection.